“I don’t know why I am the way I am / There’s something in the static / I think I’ve been having revelations”

‘not strong enough‘, boygenius

A million things have transpired since this March. I have graduated from college, found a new apartment that I will be moving into this week, and secured a job in a bigger city so that I may escape the monotony of a small life. Looking back at how harshly I have criticized myself, even on this page, makes me wince. I was unsure about what employment would look like for me, but I feel hopeful about the position I’ll be starting. Not only do I have exciting professional prospects ahead of me, but my personal life is slightly less in shambles than it has been previously. There are people who have removed themselves from my circle, and while it broke my heart to feel their absence, it has proved to be for the best. I feel a weight lifted off of me.

I’ve decided to give romance another try. I know I had put my foot down on it not being for me, but perhaps I was looking in the wrong places, searching for the wrong people. I think that I’ve found what I was looking for back then before throwing in the towel. I tend to overdramatize and get ahead of myself in a lot of situations, so I am attempting my best straight face about them so as not to scare them off. This is a strenuous balance between control and wanting them to see me for who I am; both are necessary, I believe, since I expect this to be long-term. It is deeply terrifying to find someone that makes you feel like the best version of yourself, that is beginning to heal something in you that you’d never realized needed healing. Due to distance and other uncertainties, I do not know where this will go, so I am trying to keep expectations low – this is perfectly impossible when you’ve found someone you would like to keep for as long as they’ll have you. Perhaps I will decide soon to throw away the caution I’ve been strangling and let myself feel more hopeful.

For now,

G.D.